I don;t like paying on the back end. if you felt betrayed you should have said something. I was not aware that the sleeping
arrangements would be thus. I invited you to tell me if I should get another bed or another room. You declined. I accepted
that at face value and trusted you to be truthful when you declined. Its not fair to now tell me you felt betrayed. i do understand
the difficulty of the situation you were in and I think you handled it like a trooper. Please don't yourself be on the defensive.
I was also in an awkward situation . It took two people to make the experience. i am not accustomed to invite women I have
not met away for the weekend, but the passion of our discourse made me want to throw caution to the wind. You can say
your feelings have not changed but there is no where the kind of communication we had before meeting. i am oh so sorry to
have injured any possibility of a future for us, if that is what I have done..but if you read my last post as defensive then
I think you need to go back and replace the sarcastic tone which you assumed it was written in and read it this time as deadly
earnest and sincere as it was meant to be. i truly am sorry for my limitations and my failings..I am not reading you as saying
that I have them I am telling you I have them and that I sadly go now into the sunset unable to be a braver or more
secure person. I hate this about myself. Hate it!! I am not being defensive. I am being angry with myself..for being too angry,
for not being what you wanted me to be for a whole laundry list of reasons that I hate myself. I am not being defensive
I am regretting that I have screwed up meeting someone I really liked..because that doesn't happen very often...I am beating
myself up for feeling unworthy and unable to take the initiative and to try to be a friend and to operate within the,, what
I believe to be, more limited constraints you wish to impose on any future contact we might have. I certainly do not want
a solely physical relationship, but to Deny that element at this time, to pretend it didn't happen, to act as if there is
no physical passion between us to me would ring false., The flirting the innuendo, the teasing of our early pre-meeting communication
would be snuffed out and that to me changes thing whether you say so or not. I am not defensive alona..I am honestly
regretful that this poor desparate and pathetic plea is the best that I can do. I am embarrassed for myself.
You know, MAN, there seems to
be some misunderstanding here. I didn't feel we had "a lot of uncomfortable time together", and I didn't feel
that I could have talked to you about how I was feeling at the gas station. I was tired and I thought it best that I
just sleep and start over in the morning. I am sorry that you are so defensive however you have to stop and look at
my point of view. I was on a weekend with a strange man. Something I've never done before. I was trying to be
brave but I was a little uneasy. I believe I was quite calm and collected for how I was actually feeling at times.
Also I apologize if you felt I made "a case" of your possibility of relapse. I don't feel that I did. I was merely
stating my feelings because you asked. I'm sorry that you are so defensive about that, as well. I feel you have
every right to have red flags regarding when I "got so drunk and started hitting (you) and yelling at (you)" but, again, I
was uncomfortable and the alcohol took away my inhibitions. In my defense you said we would have separate sleeping accommodations
which to me meant separate rooms or at least a suite. How do you think I felt when I realized that wasn't the case?
A little betrayed and uncertain and scared but trying to go with the flow. I apparently drank a little too much alcohol
in my attempt to feel more comfortable. I would never "hit" anyone out of meanness. Sometimes I get carried away
and hit playfully and perhaps that is wrong and I apologize. I don't believe at any point I was truly "yelling" at you.
In my inebriated state I may have wanted to convince you of the reality of God and did so much too loudly. Again I apologize.
You have every right to feel the way you feel. You said I liked you so much at first and the truth is I don't like you any
less now. I have not retreated nor reevaluated you! The only way I retreated was physically as I have no time
or patience for shallow purely physical relationships and I no longer indulge in them. I apologize once again if I've
somehow offended you. I was just being honest. Every time I have a relationship based on physical attraction it
falls by the wayside. I honestly saw something in you that was fascinating and I believed that if we became friends
and knew more about one another it could turn into a deeper relationship. If that relationship did possibly turn out
to be a friendship and nothing more then to me that is a great blessing. I feel bad that you disagree. However
I am not going to enter into a serious relationship because I feel sorry for someone or his feelings. If you are interested
in getting to know me on any real level, if you are interested in having a quality friendship with me that may perhaps turn
into something more then please feel free to let me know. If not, good luck. I hope you don't run into a lot of shallow,
superficial relationships with women who are want to use you and not really ever get to know you and your heart.
To live anywhere in the world today and be against
equality because of
race or color is like living in Alaska and being against snow. â€“ William
1897-1962, American Novelist