The oxymoron

As if there aren’t enough morons already              

February 17, 2003


Alec and Shauna still married after 2.5 months!


Defying the Hollywood standard: Couple plans party Sat April 12, 2003.

O vercoming great odds in personal temperament and emotional maturity, Alec Henderson and Shauna Rae are still married since their abrupt announcement and marriage on December 8 of last year. When asked how he is able to withstand the constant whining and complaining, Alec answered:

 “What? Oh its not too bad after a while but Shauna’s no saint herself.”

No saint, but apparently possessed of some supernatural ability to cohabit with People Magazine’s last-desirable [second, R.D.,Jr.] yet most-charming and second most-troubled [first, R.D., Jr.] yet most-potential bachelor for 6 years in a row.

Rae retorted, “What’s a girl to do but whine, as piles of clothes mount, archival letters and pictures of old flames threaten like anthrax warfare, pig poop ferments in rain water, the yard yearns for landscaping [indigenous, drought-tolerant plants only], exterior paint gags–blah, blah blah . . . .

“Hey, I give her half my [entire] paycheck every month. What else could she want?... Besides obsessive compulsive cleaning rituals involving imagined minutiae of dirt where individual floor tiles are scrubbed and polished on knees bent in repetitions of paroxysmal lateral scrubbings of a number so vast they border on the NSA’s standards for computer memory erasure!””

“Like I’ve got a closet full of new clothes and am dripping with jewels. . . .” she jibed

. “AS a matter of fact you not only have a closet full of new clothes all designer and custom made aproximating $500 an outfit but I believe yours truly, just this week, has just spent a quite a pretty penny for not one but two new rings for her highness”,

“What about those rave-party flashing earrings I gave you for Valentine’s Day and later tapas at the bar at the Bonaventure?”

“Yeah, they’re lovvvvely– probably purchased on the fly from a freeway exit ramp fruit seller”.-OK I concede this point.But.You cavalierly overlook anything I do for you like our honeymoon New Year’s Eve .?” he counters.

“An idyllic and lavish one-night getaway as I recall. . . I waited in a 2 ½ hour line while you consumed our midnight-repast and extravagant champagne. . .”

“Typically passive aggressive response in which you omit the fact that you insisted on being the one to go wait in the line then, true to form, use it en future as a guilt battering ram, besides, I only set up the repast which awaited you upon your return.”

 “Like sure,. It’s every girl’s dream to elope to Vegas in an old gold lame jacket,”she bemoans.

“What gratitude she possesses–and I –so magnanimous, so emotionally consistent as opposed to her hair-trigger temper, waiting in the wings, waiting to explode at any second in a Bush-Hussein-like showdown.”

“If you’re emotionally consistent, I’m Marlo Thomas.”

“No, you’re Christina Onassis. And your temper terrorizes me like a Baghdad resident waiting to be liberated by the United States.”

Ah. All’s well that may or may not end well. And yet we say, Come to the party, enjoy the ambiance of conjugal bliss, and participate in another segment of the “Not-So-Young and the Restless.” Even if you don’t have fun, we promise you something to talk about on your way home.”***

In lieu of gifts the Newlyweds request donations be made to:

Friends of the Los Angeles River
570 West Avenue 26 #250
Los Angeles, CA 90065

Mexican American Legal

Defense Foundation

634 South Spring St.
Los Angeles, CA 90014




“Look, I’m tired. I’m a school teacher working my butt off and just exhausted. I’ve asked him to leave somewhere in the millions of times and he just will not go. It’s a lot easier to clean up the mess and collect half his pay check.”